The meaning of Easter is different this year. Because of what Jesus did for us, I have hope.
" It was just before the Passover Festival. Jesus knew that the hour had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end." -John 13:1
We all know that God loves us. But do we truly know it, feel it, and believe it with all of our hearts? I think it's only since Nathan has died that I can see the depth of God's love for us, which is something that has taken me a while just to wrap my brain around. . .
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." -John 3:16
He gave his one and only son to bear the sins of an entire world.
I love Nathan more than I could even say. Not having him here hurts every single day. But would I ever give up my son the way that God gave His? No. Not in a million years. I'd take his place if I could, but give him up, no.
So it's only through knowing the pain of losing my son that I am able to really see God's love for us and Jesus' love in choosing to die for us. Knowing this brings new meaning to this verse:
Jesus said, "My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you." -John 15:12
Jesus paid the price so that we might all have eternal life. . .
Jesus said, "My Father's house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am." -John 14:2-3
Heaven. That's where Nathan is.
And when the stone was rolled away from Jesus' tomb, the angel said,
"He is not here for he has risen, just as he said." -Matthew 28:6
Because Jesus has risen and death had no hold on Him, I have hope. I will see Nathan again one day.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Thursday, February 9, 2012
An Almost Horrible Day
I've been keeping myself busy lately. Reading a lot. I've also taken up walking/jogging. My goal for now is 1 mile, 3 times a week. . .(Who knew, right?) I hate exercising. I always say I don't have time, but I know I need to make time. Plus, during the one and a half months I was on strict bedrest, I made a promise that one day when I would be able to get up and walk around again, I'd take up jogging. We take many things for granted. . .
Today my car got broken into at the parking lot at work. (Well I'm still not sure about the "broken into" part because there was no damage to the door or window or anything. It looks like they simply opened the door even though I'm positive I locked them.)
All they took was the radio. All the "junk" (as Mig calls it) that I keep in my car was still there, like my sweaters, a couple of the kid's jackets, some of my books and magazines, the kid's artwork from school, and Michael's car seat. Everything was there except the radio, and since they pulled it out, I discovered later that my blinkers aren't working now either.
I filed a police report just to have it documented. The police department sent Deputy Dewey over to dust for fingerprints, but since my car was a bit dusty on the outside, there weren't any substantial prints.
The funny thing is though that I wasn't even really upset. I started to get upset, then contemplated whether or not I wanted to waste my energy getting mad over something I couldn't control or change.
When I called Mig to tell him, he said not to worry about it. It was ok. It's just a radio. He's absolutely right.
It was just a radio. A thing. Things can be replaced. Things don't really matter. People do. And as long as everyone I love is ok, then it's fine.
I can live without a radio in my car . . .
Today my car got broken into at the parking lot at work. (Well I'm still not sure about the "broken into" part because there was no damage to the door or window or anything. It looks like they simply opened the door even though I'm positive I locked them.)
All they took was the radio. All the "junk" (as Mig calls it) that I keep in my car was still there, like my sweaters, a couple of the kid's jackets, some of my books and magazines, the kid's artwork from school, and Michael's car seat. Everything was there except the radio, and since they pulled it out, I discovered later that my blinkers aren't working now either.
I filed a police report just to have it documented. The police department sent Deputy Dewey over to dust for fingerprints, but since my car was a bit dusty on the outside, there weren't any substantial prints.
The funny thing is though that I wasn't even really upset. I started to get upset, then contemplated whether or not I wanted to waste my energy getting mad over something I couldn't control or change.
When I called Mig to tell him, he said not to worry about it. It was ok. It's just a radio. He's absolutely right.
It was just a radio. A thing. Things can be replaced. Things don't really matter. People do. And as long as everyone I love is ok, then it's fine.
I can live without a radio in my car . . .
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Handbook 2012
My cousin sent me this in an email last week. I thought all the advice was simply perfect:
Health:
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants..
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy
5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games
7. Read more books than you did in 2011 .
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minutes’ walk daily. And while you walk, smile.
Personality:
11. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don't overdo. Keep your limits.
14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need..
18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with His/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree...
Society:
25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything..
28. Spend time w/ people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
Life:
32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. GOD heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change..
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37. The best is yet to come..
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.
Last but not the least:
40. Please Forward this to everyone you care about, I just did.
Or share it, like I just did.
♥ ♥ ♥
Health:
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants..
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy
5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games
7. Read more books than you did in 2011 .
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minutes’ walk daily. And while you walk, smile.
Personality:
11. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don't overdo. Keep your limits.
14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need..
18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with His/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree...
Society:
25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything..
28. Spend time w/ people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
Life:
32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. GOD heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change..
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37. The best is yet to come..
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.
Last but not the least:
40. Please Forward this to everyone you care about, I just did.
Or share it, like I just did.
♥ ♥ ♥
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Making It Count
We are just about 2 weeks into 2012, and I think the fact that 2011 is gone, has slowly settled in for me. I guess I wasn't sure how ready I was to let 2011 go. . It was definitely the year of Nathan. I found out I was pregnant on January 9, and somehow, 2011 became the longest and hardest year of my life. Though this loss has been great, even greater than that is the blessing that Nathan has been to our lives.
I definitely had ambivalent feelings about 2011 coming to an end. I wasn't sure if I was happy to see 2011 go, or sad to see it leave. I guess I was sad to see it leave because there are so many moments of the past year that I wish I could go back and relive. I wish the 2012 Jolene could somehow visit the 2011 Jolene one year ago and warn her of everything coming. Impossible, I know. I've seen Back to the Future. . .
I don't even think that I would do anything differently if I had the chance because in my heart, I know that in all things, I did my best. We knew that every single day we had with Nathan was a blessing, and we never took one second for granted. He knew that we loved him, we told him every chance we got. He knew that we thought he was the most awesome little guy that any parents could have, we told him that every day too.
I guess I'd just want to go back and relive the moments we had with Nathan, to see him and touch him. I guess there probably is just one thing I would change if I could go back to 2011, I never would have left the hospital on June 24. I would have stayed with Nathan the whole night because I had no idea that when we left the hospital that night, it would be the last time we would say our earthly good-byes to him.
But. . . . .Time doesn't work like that. Time doesn't go back, it only moves forward. I know that. I accept that. It's hard though when your heart wishes time could take you back, even if only for a minute.
I've been reading The Shack for the past couple weeks, and this past week, a part from the book just really resonated with me. . .
(Without saying too much about the book, in case some of you may want to read it in the future.) The main character, Mack, who lost his young daughter a few years before, is having a conversation with Jesus. Jesus asks Mack if humans were intended to live in the past, present or future. The obvious answer is that we were intended to live in the present.
Then Jesus asks where Mack spends most of his time: in the past, present, or future. Because Mack has so much regret, guilt, anger, and sadness from losing his daughter, he realizes that he does spend most of his time thinking about the past.
And that part just struck a chord with me. I can't live in the past. I can't spend most of my time there. We can visit the past. We can learn from the past but no amount of wishes will take me back to 2011, and the wishes and thinking about the if-onlys will take you so far, and after that, there's not much to hold on to.
What I do have to hold on to though, are the memories of Nathan, the good that came from him, and the inspiration he's given us. I carry that with me everyday. I take him with me everyday.
On New Year's Eve, I got to talk to my friend Susana, and we both agreed that we just weren't feeling the New Year's festiveness that was all around us, but she said she gave herself a pep-talk, and in doing so, she gave me a pep-talk too. She said she didn't feel like celebrating, but that she told herself she was going to make it count. That was something I needed to hear.
A year ago, I had no idea that my life would be where it is today, but I still need to make it count in 2012. . . for my family, for Elizabeth, Michael, and especially for Nathan.
I definitely had ambivalent feelings about 2011 coming to an end. I wasn't sure if I was happy to see 2011 go, or sad to see it leave. I guess I was sad to see it leave because there are so many moments of the past year that I wish I could go back and relive. I wish the 2012 Jolene could somehow visit the 2011 Jolene one year ago and warn her of everything coming. Impossible, I know. I've seen Back to the Future. . .
I don't even think that I would do anything differently if I had the chance because in my heart, I know that in all things, I did my best. We knew that every single day we had with Nathan was a blessing, and we never took one second for granted. He knew that we loved him, we told him every chance we got. He knew that we thought he was the most awesome little guy that any parents could have, we told him that every day too.
I guess I'd just want to go back and relive the moments we had with Nathan, to see him and touch him. I guess there probably is just one thing I would change if I could go back to 2011, I never would have left the hospital on June 24. I would have stayed with Nathan the whole night because I had no idea that when we left the hospital that night, it would be the last time we would say our earthly good-byes to him.
But. . . . .Time doesn't work like that. Time doesn't go back, it only moves forward. I know that. I accept that. It's hard though when your heart wishes time could take you back, even if only for a minute.
I've been reading The Shack for the past couple weeks, and this past week, a part from the book just really resonated with me. . .
(Without saying too much about the book, in case some of you may want to read it in the future.) The main character, Mack, who lost his young daughter a few years before, is having a conversation with Jesus. Jesus asks Mack if humans were intended to live in the past, present or future. The obvious answer is that we were intended to live in the present.
Then Jesus asks where Mack spends most of his time: in the past, present, or future. Because Mack has so much regret, guilt, anger, and sadness from losing his daughter, he realizes that he does spend most of his time thinking about the past.
And that part just struck a chord with me. I can't live in the past. I can't spend most of my time there. We can visit the past. We can learn from the past but no amount of wishes will take me back to 2011, and the wishes and thinking about the if-onlys will take you so far, and after that, there's not much to hold on to.
What I do have to hold on to though, are the memories of Nathan, the good that came from him, and the inspiration he's given us. I carry that with me everyday. I take him with me everyday.
On New Year's Eve, I got to talk to my friend Susana, and we both agreed that we just weren't feeling the New Year's festiveness that was all around us, but she said she gave herself a pep-talk, and in doing so, she gave me a pep-talk too. She said she didn't feel like celebrating, but that she told herself she was going to make it count. That was something I needed to hear.
A year ago, I had no idea that my life would be where it is today, but I still need to make it count in 2012. . . for my family, for Elizabeth, Michael, and especially for Nathan.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Merry Christmas From Heaven
Two very beautiful poems were shared with me over the past week that I'd like to share.
The first is from the Grief Journeys FB page:
I still hear the songs
I still see the lights
I still feel your love
On cold wintry nights
I still share your hopes
And all of your cares
I’ll even remind you
To please say your prayers
I just want to tell you
You still make me proud
You stand head and shoulders
Above all the crowd
Keep trying each moment
To stay in His grace
I came here before you
To help set your place
You don’t have to be
Perfect all of the time
He forgives you the slip
If you continue the climb
To my family and friends
Please be thankful today
I’m still close beside you
In a new special way
I love you all dearly
Now don’t shed a tear
Because I’m spending Christmas
With Jesus this year
The first is from the Grief Journeys FB page:
Merry Christmas from Heaven
I still hear the songs
I still see the lights
I still feel your love
On cold wintry nights
I still share your hopes
And all of your cares
I’ll even remind you
To please say your prayers
I just want to tell you
You still make me proud
You stand head and shoulders
Above all the crowd
Keep trying each moment
To stay in His grace
I came here before you
To help set your place
You don’t have to be
Perfect all of the time
He forgives you the slip
If you continue the climb
To my family and friends
Please be thankful today
I’m still close beside you
In a new special way
I love you all dearly
Now don’t shed a tear
Because I’m spending Christmas
With Jesus this year
The second poem was shared with me by my good friend, Annie.
My First Christmas in Heaven
I see the countless Christmas trees
around the world below with tiny light,
like Heavens, reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular, please
wipe away the tear, For I am spending
Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs that
people hold so dear. But the sounds of
music can't compare with the Christmas
Choir up here. I have no words to tell you,
the joy the voices bring, For it is beyond
description, to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
But I am not so far away,
We really aren't apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones,
You know I hold you dear,
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.
I sent you each a special gift, from
my heavenly home above. I sent you
each a memory of my undying love.
After all, love is a gift more precious
than pure gold. It was always most
important in the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other, as
my Father said to do. For I can't count
the blessings or love he has for each
of you.
So have a Merry Christmas
and wipe away that tear, Remember I
am spending Christmas with Jesus
Christ this year.
I see the countless Christmas trees
around the world below with tiny light,
like Heavens, reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular, please
wipe away the tear, For I am spending
Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs that
people hold so dear. But the sounds of
music can't compare with the Christmas
Choir up here. I have no words to tell you,
the joy the voices bring, For it is beyond
description, to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
But I am not so far away,
We really aren't apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones,
You know I hold you dear,
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.
I sent you each a special gift, from
my heavenly home above. I sent you
each a memory of my undying love.
After all, love is a gift more precious
than pure gold. It was always most
important in the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other, as
my Father said to do. For I can't count
the blessings or love he has for each
of you.
So have a Merry Christmas
and wipe away that tear, Remember I
am spending Christmas with Jesus
Christ this year.
6 Months - Nathan's 1st Christmas in Heaven
On Christmas Day, it was Nathan's 6 month angel anniversary. I'm not even going to attempt to explain how the past couple days have been for me emotionally because I've been up and down and here and there on this emotional rollercoaster.
I've heard that grief comes in waves for some people and if we can use that metaphor here, I'd like to say that I've been somewhat riding a good wave since Thanksgiving and my birthday. December rolled in, and I was doing ok so I wanted to continue on this good wave.
I haven't posted much this month because I was keeping myself very busy. I was going to say distracted, but there is no true distraction from the fact that Nathan isn't here. So I've done lots of Christmas crafts with E & M over the past few weeks, while at the same time, including Nathan in most of them.
We made 3 Christmas ornaments, one for E, M, & Nathan. We made pinecone Christmas trees, and my favorite, a little Christmas tree made with Nathan's handprints that were traced and cut out of green felt. We decorated a little tree on Nathan's table. We bought a few special angel ornaments for our tree. We baked cookies. We bought Nathan a special stocking with 3 snowmen on it.
It's been nice. It's made me feel better because by including Nathan in little things that we do as a family, we have a physical reminder that he is the 5th member of this family. I hope that people understand that's why I do it. It makes me feel better to include him. I hope that in 5 or 10 years, if I still include Nathan in little things that we do as a family, people understand that I'm doing it, not because I haven't "found peace," but simply because Nathan is still part of our family. Five years, 10 years, 30 years from now. . . time will not change that fact.
Another very big thing that helped me to stay on that good wave was the letters for Nathan's stocking that I had been receiving by mail and email for the past couple weeks. It was hard not to read the letters as I received them, but as I promised everyone who sent a letter, I did not read them at all until Christmas Day.
Every single letter that came for him just brightened my day. The ones that came in the mail went straight into his stocking. The ones that came by email, I would print out and fold up, then put a piece of tape on it, just so I wouldn't be tempted to read it. = )
Since I couldn't read them as I received them, it filled me with excitement and anticipation.
I think by sometime last week, Nathan's stocking was almost full and heavy. Mig had no idea that Nathan had gotten so many. When I poured them out on Christmas morning, Mig was was speechless for a few seconds.
Mig and I read them together. We started out with me reading them out loud, but I could barely get through the first couple of letters so we switched to reading them silently. That worked out better for us.
The heaviness that seems to be a permanent part of my heart was even heavier in the days leading up to Christmas but halfway through reading the first letter, my heart just melted a little and some of the heaviness lifted away.
The letters were beautiful. I can't even describe my gratitude. We got to read about beautiful acts of kindness that were done for others in honor of Nathan. We got to read about how people's live were touched by Nathan's and how he has helped them to view life differently and appreciate their blessings. Just to hear that people love Nathan and will remember him is beautiful. . .
Each and every letter filled our hearts with so much love and every letter is appreciated more than I can say. So I will simply say, from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU. I am saving all the letters and cards and I have a feeling that I will probably be reading them again from time to time when I feel the need to.
I've heard that grief comes in waves for some people and if we can use that metaphor here, I'd like to say that I've been somewhat riding a good wave since Thanksgiving and my birthday. December rolled in, and I was doing ok so I wanted to continue on this good wave.
I haven't posted much this month because I was keeping myself very busy. I was going to say distracted, but there is no true distraction from the fact that Nathan isn't here. So I've done lots of Christmas crafts with E & M over the past few weeks, while at the same time, including Nathan in most of them.
We made 3 Christmas ornaments, one for E, M, & Nathan. We made pinecone Christmas trees, and my favorite, a little Christmas tree made with Nathan's handprints that were traced and cut out of green felt. We decorated a little tree on Nathan's table. We bought a few special angel ornaments for our tree. We baked cookies. We bought Nathan a special stocking with 3 snowmen on it.
It's been nice. It's made me feel better because by including Nathan in little things that we do as a family, we have a physical reminder that he is the 5th member of this family. I hope that people understand that's why I do it. It makes me feel better to include him. I hope that in 5 or 10 years, if I still include Nathan in little things that we do as a family, people understand that I'm doing it, not because I haven't "found peace," but simply because Nathan is still part of our family. Five years, 10 years, 30 years from now. . . time will not change that fact.
Another very big thing that helped me to stay on that good wave was the letters for Nathan's stocking that I had been receiving by mail and email for the past couple weeks. It was hard not to read the letters as I received them, but as I promised everyone who sent a letter, I did not read them at all until Christmas Day.
Every single letter that came for him just brightened my day. The ones that came in the mail went straight into his stocking. The ones that came by email, I would print out and fold up, then put a piece of tape on it, just so I wouldn't be tempted to read it. = )
Since I couldn't read them as I received them, it filled me with excitement and anticipation.
I think by sometime last week, Nathan's stocking was almost full and heavy. Mig had no idea that Nathan had gotten so many. When I poured them out on Christmas morning, Mig was was speechless for a few seconds.
Mig and I read them together. We started out with me reading them out loud, but I could barely get through the first couple of letters so we switched to reading them silently. That worked out better for us.
The heaviness that seems to be a permanent part of my heart was even heavier in the days leading up to Christmas but halfway through reading the first letter, my heart just melted a little and some of the heaviness lifted away.
The letters were beautiful. I can't even describe my gratitude. We got to read about beautiful acts of kindness that were done for others in honor of Nathan. We got to read about how people's live were touched by Nathan's and how he has helped them to view life differently and appreciate their blessings. Just to hear that people love Nathan and will remember him is beautiful. . .
Each and every letter filled our hearts with so much love and every letter is appreciated more than I can say. So I will simply say, from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU. I am saving all the letters and cards and I have a feeling that I will probably be reading them again from time to time when I feel the need to.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Nathan's Stocking
Dear Family & Friends,
First, let me thank you all for your love, support, and prayers this year. Thank you for sharing in the excitement of our third pregnancy and in the sorrow of our loss. Nathan has so deeply touched our lives, things just don't seem the same without him.
As the holidays are approaching, we are excited to spend time with family and friends, but we also feel the need to remember Nathan this Christmas, as he will always be a member of our family. Christmas Day will be six months since Nathan grew his angel wings, so it will be a bittersweet day for us.
Christmas is usually one of our favorite times of year and we have been searching for a way to keep it that way, even in the midst of our pain. I found this wonderful idea from another mom, whose little girl is in Heaven, and was really inspired to do the same thing she did the first Christmas after the loss of her baby.
I bought the perfect stocking for Nathan, with 3 little snowmen on it, to place beside the rest of our family stockings, but really don't want to see it hang empty, so we have decided to enlist all of you to help us.
All that we ask is that sometime between now and Christmas, do something nice for someone, no matter how small or large. It doesn't have to involve money - just commit a random act of kindness. When you do it, think of Nathan and dedicate that act him. You can even leave a note saying, “This random act of kindness was done in memory of Nathan" but you don’t have to.
Or if you'd like to simply write a letter to Nathan, I'd love to put that in Nathan's stocking too.
Please write down your act of kindness (or letter to Nathan) and send it to us or email it to me (j c h o n g 4 @ msn.com) and put “Nathan’s Stocking” in the subject line or slip a note into your Christmas cards to us. I won't read it. I will print out the emails and put them in his stocking. Then, on Christmas morning, we will open up all the notes and read them.
I hope that you will take a moment to include our little boy, Nathan in your holiday celebrations this month... either by participating in Nathan's Stocking or simply saying a prayer for us as we try to celebrate the Christmas season without him.
Thank you so much for your participation and your continued love and support,
Jolene
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